Strength to serve

Being a kid in the 70's meant having time on my hands to be with a mom who had time to be with me, a mom whose career was being a mom, whose day and goals revolved around us and homemaking. I know that being just a homemaker doesn't sound like much of an accomplishment to us liberated women who have so much more to fill our lives, but it sure was heaven from a kid's point of view. My mom was a great cook, minus a few recipes, a talented seamstress, an overall excellent homemaker. She seemed utterly selfless; to me she even seemed meek. But I was a determined, hot- headed kid.  Why in the world would I want to be like my mother?  I had better things to do than serve others.  I wasn't going to live in last place.  I had important things to accomplish and become.

Thirty years later and a mother myself, I now wrestle between my personal goals and dreams and the demands and needs of my family, between selfishness and selflessness. How am I supposed to get what I need and do what I enjoy, when I have to be everything for everyone else?  How can I juggle myself and others?  Must I really live in last place?  Must I surrender myself?  This all seems so unfair.

But what is love if not selflessness? And what is motherhood, but love? What are my own kids learning of selfishness and selflessness? The Bible says the first will be last, and the last will be first, and that the meek will inherit the earth. Do I have the strength to be unselfish?  Do I have the strength to serve, not myself, but others? Do I have the strength to put myself last and be just like my mother?

--daughter Jane Hilbrands